Communication In Marriage

The most often declared reason for divorce in America is infidelity. However, infidelity often comes from the lack of communication between the married couple. When we cannot communicate, we cannot have intimacy. And when there is no intimacy, it often leads to infidelity. The Bible tells us how we can correct this flaw in our marriage.

Real Communication Begins With Love

This is not just any kind of love. It is a very special type of love. I John expresses it very clearly. 1 John 4:7 (NKJV): “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.”

The Greek word for “love” that is used here is “agape.” It is the same word that is used when we are told to love God. It has nothing to do with sex or even friendship. In fact, this verse says that it is a quality that stems directly from God, Himself. It is the primary and the most basic characteristic of God. It is the characteristic that allows Him to forgive us our sins, even when we grievously sin against Him.

This type of love is not a feeling. It is a decision that we make. We do not express this type of love because we feel like it. We express it because we have made a conscious decision to do it. If fact, you can love (agape) a person, even if you do not like him.

Agape love means that you want the best for that person. You want to do all that is in your power to see that he/she can receive the best that is possible. No, you may not be able to do anything about it (this is true outside of a marriage), but you still want the best for him/her. However, within a marriage, you will commit yourself to do what you can to see that your spouse receives the best.

Wives, remember this, your husband is not perfect (who is?). But if he has committed himself to lead his family with Christ as his head, he will do the best that he can. And God will honor that effort and bring wonderful blessings to your family.

Other verses emphasize that this is what real Christians do. I Cor. 16:14 (NKJV): “Let all that you do be done with love.” Philip. 1:9 (NKJV): “And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment.” If we want God to bless us and receive what God has to offer us, we must choose to demonstrate this type of love.

Again I Peter 4:8 (NKJV) says: “And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins.” The Greek word that is translated “sins” in this verse is “hamatria.” This word can also be properly translated as “offences.” In other words, if we demonstrate this type of love, we will not be offended by what others say about or to us.

This is what we need if we are going to be able to properly communicate with our spouse.

Communication In Marriage

The first thing that we need to realize is that men and women do have different styles of communication. We do not hear what is said the same and we do not express things the same way. This article will not try to explain these differences. There have been many different books written about this phenomenon.

However, please realize that most arguments and hard feelings between spouses arise simply because they misunderstood each other or missed important messages completely. In other words, we concentrate on what we are trying to say and completely ignore what our spouse is trying to say.

The other problem is that men and women usually look at problems differently. Men want to solve the problem but women just want to express the problem and be heard. Just remember, there is a time for both. Husbands, give you wife time to vent and express her feelings. Then, wives listen to your husband as he tries to solve the problem. The truth is that the problem probably does need to be solved in order to make things better.

1 Peter 3:7 (NKJV) probably says it best. “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them [your wives] with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.”

This verse is saying to husbands: “Listen to and do your best to understand what your wife is saying.” Why? So that, as the head of the family, you can make the correct decision. And wives, it is also speaking to you. “Accept your husband as the head of the family.” Why? It is because this is how God designed the family. A Godly husband, that has accepted the leadership of Jesus in his life, has been assigned the duty of seeing that his family receives the best that God has to offer.

Marriage Is a Partnership

When you enter into marriage, you are no longer the sole proprietor of your life. You are now in a partnership with another person. So everything you now do cannot be just your own decision, it now must be the decision reached in harmony with each other. Marriages fail because this principle is neither accepted nor followed.

When you are single, you are a free person. You can do what you want, when you want and how you want. When you are married, this is no longer true. No, you do not lose your individuality. You are still who you are. You still have your own wants and desires. However, as a married person, you must now put those wants and desires in the background and put your spouse in the foreground.

It is like when you became a Christian. You gave up living just to please yourself. You started living to please the Lord. When you marry and join yourself to a spouse, you stop trying to please yourself and start trying to please your spouse.

Marriage Unites Two Into One

This is why God said in Genesis 2:24 (NKJV) “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Read my article on “Sex Within Marriage.” When we marry, our spouse’s wants and desires are just as important to us as our own. In fact, they should be more important because what affects our spouse affects us.

Jesus also taught how sacred marriage is. He says in Matthew 19:5-6 (NKJV): “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”

What is God saying here? God is saying that He invented marriage and thus He is the owner of marriage. When we marry, it is not something that we do; it is something that God does with and in us.

Marriage is the most sacred institution that God created. It is the basis for all of the rest of life here on the earth. God designed and structured marriage the way that He did because He knows that this is what will work. As humans, we can try to redesign marriage, but it will never succeed like God planned for marriage to succeed.


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